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Friday, April 14, 2006 in the spirit of randomness, some thoughts. it is so meaningless to get, or try to get involved in a relationship at this age. it's a waste of time firstly. secondly it makes you talk funnily and say silly things at silly times. and why can't you be friends instead. makes more sense. but its still fun somehow when you get all pumped up because you are going to see that person tmr, each time you see his/her msn nick pop up. even each time you see his/her name on bloglinks. or blogtext. hhaaha. crazy it is. celebrity crushes are the best :D anyway on the list of things i hate: flirts. what would i wish for if i could? for everyone to have enough to eat. if i had another wish? for everyone to be happy if i were selfish? to be free to do whatever i want. speaking of selfishness. i have been a very selfish person lately. i hope i will grow out of it and be able to look back at that phase of my life and laugh at my silliness. i realised i have this aversion to people who cry. they trigger in me a sense of repulsiveness. i have identified the activating event for this behaviour of mine: siblings who cry to get attention. i always have this feeling that some people cry, or tell other pple that they cry because they want to get attention. but i understand tt my behaviour is unreasonable. but it is substantiable! i feel like i have been rather robotic lately. ticking things off my mental to-do list is my main priority. where were the days when i was so concerned about things like, "am i being a good leader?" and stuff like that? i want them back. i think i have been selfish once again. by hogging so many positions and getting involved in so many things. i am sorry. i really hope i am not shortchanging anyone. even though i already am. GO AWAY PTs! GO AWAY TESTS! Mrs. Principal, please give us some rest? :( i have so many things to say sorry for. so many people to say sorry to. i can't even keep track. i am doing something called SOUL SEARCHING. and REFLECTING. no one will understand this post probably. but so what? i don't write stuff so that you will understand and go "ooo" just like no one should be overly concerned about ur outward appearances. and start to become a fake you. i used to do that. i used to act cool. used to wear low socks, low belt whatever. used to be some despo woman who talked to every guy like he was boyfriend potential. used to be so concerned about stuff like fatness and diet. its confusing. because now i really don't care. I am who I am, take it or leave it. Maybe that's what triggered my selfishness? But i feel really liberated inside. Like an uncaged bird, however cliched the metaphor. i shall blame all this randomness on puberty. :D 10:21 PM
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